


if brokenness is a work of art surely this must be my masterpiece

by Stark_08



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Depressed Peter Parker, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Peter, Suicide Attempt, my repressed emotions are the cause of this im sorry, no happy ending, title is from sleeping at last-neptune
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 15:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19379836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stark_08/pseuds/Stark_08
Summary: after his death, it all became a muddled state of colors.





	if brokenness is a work of art surely this must be my masterpiece

the days started blurring into a bundle of colors.

 

the day of the funeral was grey. although many had the concept that funerals were black. 

 

to peter, claiming the funeral as black would be far too bland-too simple-no.

 

the funeral was anything but black, if it were black he wouldn't have been able to see the stark pain in pepper’s eyes. if it were black, the world would have been kinder to him, God would have stepped in and blinded him from the pain left behind.

 

the world didn't owe him anything and God didn't think he was worthy enough it would seem.

 

the funeral was grey-darkly veiled with loss but not yet dark enough to mask the sorrow-it was in between enough for him to allow his wound to openly bleed, but not die-a limbo.

 

the funeral was not one set color because peters mind could hardly set itself on the fact that tony was gone.

 

mr. stark’s death was red. it could have been the blood associated with death that imprinted the color red as mr. stark’s death in his subconscious. it could have been mr. stark’s suit. It could have been the reality stone. so many _could have’s_ but only one was.

 

it was, at the end of the day, the blinding rage peter felt with himself for allowing mr. stark’s death. it was one color because regardless of how many times he tells himself _there was nothing else to do, strange himself said it was the only way_. he can't help but think he could have used the gauntlet, there was at least a 65% chance higher for his survival than mr. stark’s-he did the math and hypothesized the hundreds of different outcomes.

 

red was for anger. red was for loss. red was for mr. stark’s death. red was for iron man.

 

~~

 

ned came to stay with him a couple of days after the funeral.

 

ned was blue. He was calm and fierce like the ocean and his voice was soothing because it wasn't the voice of an avenger who fought with him on the battlefield. it wasn't the voice of mr. stark's widow, or the voice of his lost child, or aunt may worrying for him every other second. 

 

ned just...was.

 

whatever he was-he didnt know yet-but he needed that comfort of just not being.

 

blue was a balm being gently rubbed onto a red scalding burn. it was the sea cleansing all of his wounds.

 

~~

 

most days we're just an obnoxious yellow.

 

the bold sun shining through his window. or the bright yellow of morgan’s innocent voice.

 

yellow was the soul stone-or was it gold- that held five years of his life.

 

yellow was joy or contained joy according to van gogh.

 

maybe peter would try his methods, eating paint to be happy. to feel something. to taste anything but the bile in his throat. 

 

a matter for another day, for now he would just turn on his side facing away from the window and relishing in the taste of sorrow.

 

~~

his favorite color so far was white.

 

the color was pure. It represented the heavens. It meant cleanliness.

 

the pills he took were white.

 

they were bitter in his mouth but they were meant to clean him from the inside-the pain could be white instead of purple now.

 

the walls of the medbay were white. So were the faces of pepper and morgan.

 

his vomit was white. at least it wasn't yellow.

 

~~

morgan hugged him tight after his encounter with white. in that moment he was transparent.

 

morgan was the only golden color he would accept.

 

morgan was the future and so it was bright-the only brightness he wouldn’t turn away from.

 

he stopped chasing white but it would never stop chasing him.

 

~~

although he couldn’t see mr. stark anymore sometimes he could feel his color.

 

when he got first place in decathlon he could feel the radiating blue and yellow- it was a light green.

 

mr. stark would wash away his blood like the ocean. he was the sun shining through his grey days.

 

maybe that's why he was soothed with ned’s voice, he had that _something_ mr. stark had.

 

he would reroute his chase from white, to green.

 

~~

sometimes the red would join the white and a blinding fuchsia would take hold of him for days. no other contact or feeling- just pink.

 

the green would always save him.

 

he wasn't here, but he just _was._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I should have been updating my other fic but my dumbass friend (@sofia) just had to fucking bring this shit up so here I am writing angst when I could be repressing my emotions with fix-it fics. only one person to blame here. anyway enjoy.


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